You’re really excited about your upcoming wedding. You’ve been brainstorming, researching, budgeting and planning it so that it’s perfect. You’ve read articles, watched videos, talked to other couples and maybe created a Pinterest board to help you collect all your ideas.
You also told your friends and family about it, sent out “save the day” emails or notifications, and perhaps even picked out your groomsmen and brides maids.
And then one of your friends casually asks you if it’s okay with you if he proposes to his girlfriend at your wedding. It’s going to be a romantic day and love will be in the air. It’s the perfect occasion for multiplying the happiness!
Or is it?
Here’s the thing: maybe at first it seems like a wonderful idea. You want the joy to spread and to make your friend happy. Maybe you think it will make your wedding even more special. And you’re not wrong. It could be beautiful.
But even if your fiancée feels exactly the same way - which is highly unlikely considering it’s a bit like stealing her thunder - you still need to think about it carefully so there’s no room for embarrassment or resentment on either side.
To help you out, we’ve outlined three scenarios for you in case you find yourself in that possibly awkward situation.
You’ve told your friend you’ll have to get back to him after you consult your fiancée and now you have to tell him it’s not possible.
The reason this is awkward is not just that you have to let him down, but it will also seem like you were okay with it and it was your fiancée that didn’t agree. She might not like coming off as the bad guy and you don’t want your friend to think that she is.
The first thing you have to realize is that it’s actually your friend’s responsibility to have anticipated a “no” for such an uncommon request. He’s not wrong for trying, but the expectation should not be an automatic “yes” and he knows that.
So no one is going to look bad or cruel for saying no. What you can do, however, is ensure that he sees it was a joint decision between you and your future wife. You could use “I” or “we” statements to tell your friend that he can’t do his proposal at your wedding.
You originally agreed but then after talking about it with your fiancée, or after thinking about it further, you want to change your mind.
This is similar to Situation A but a little trickier. Still it’s not that big of a deal. You just have to prepare your talk beforehand and you can come up with a few ideas for an alternative proposal you can help him with.
In fact, coming up with some ideas for his proposal is a helpful thing to do in the previous and coming scenarios as well.
You start out by apologizing to him, letting him know you kind of jumped the gun before thinking about it, and that you would prefer it if he didn’t propose to his girlfriend at your wedding. You do not need to give a lot of excuses or reasons, the less the better. But if you feel you have to, just make it short and simple: "I realized that our families may not appreciate it if we shared this special occasion in that way and I want to respect them.”
You and your fiancée agree to let him propose at your wedding, and you think it might actually be really cute. But you also don’t want to give him the green light to do whatever he wants whenever he wants.
You should discuss the big no no’s first. For example:
- Not proposing before you have completed your vows
- Not proposing as part of a toast or speech
- Not using a microphone, media or props
You need to map out what you both feel most comfortable with. You should also warn him that you might change your mind if something comes up at some point, and give him some ideas for other ways to propose just in case. He might end up liking one of them more than proposing at your wedding.
The most important thing is to remember there is no guilt or shame about being selfish here. It’s your wedding and you’re the king and queen of that special day.